Goodbye Matt
by Sage1111
Summary: "I am sorry Matt, but don't forgive me, I do not deserve your forgiveness. And you didn't deseve to die, but do this one last thing for me, don't forgive me."


M-

Matt, you died, you died and it's my fault. I dragged you into this for my own selfish reasons, and I got you killed, though I am confused. I was supposed to die, you were supposed to live. I really don't know how this happened, I was supposed to give my life for the Kira case, and you where supposed to live a happy life away from all of this pain.

For all my genius I do not know what happened to my plan, what broke it, what switched things around, all I know is I am in hiding, you are dead, and I don't think I can live on this way.

All of this guilt, I caused this, from the very first day I met you I was nothing but trouble for you, I got you into so much trouble. In the past and in the future I was nothing but a curse for you, and I really wonder why we stayed friends for so long.

I got you killed dammit, how could I not be a curse? I caused you so much pain until the day I killed you, and I have no excuse, I hurt you physically and mentally day after day until you broke. You broke so many times and it was all my fault, why did you rely on me so much Matt? Why didn't you turn your back on me when we first met? You could have been alive still, if you only turned your back on me that day.

And I am sorry Matt, you where my best friend, my only friend, and I was selfish. I didn't mean too, but I used you, I used you for many things, your skills, your loyalty, your friendship, I broke you, and then I got you killed. It will always come back to that, that defining fact, the one thing that settled it. Am I rambling now? Yes.

But it is my fault, I should have died, you were supposed to live, you did not deserve this fate that I sealed you to. If I had known how it would turn out I would have left you alone, but no, I searched you out and then I got you killed, it is my fault. I know if you were here you would tell me it wasn't, but Matt, it is.

If I were anybody else, like Beyond for example, even though Beyond is a bad example, I would have killed myself by now. But I am to prideful, I won't give up no matter how painful it is. So Matt, never forgive me, promise me to not forgive me, no matter what. Because I cannot let you do that, I caused this and I should not have let it get this out of hand.

Promise me, promise me you will never forgive me, I don't care how much you want too. Because I know you want too, but just don't, you will save us so much pain if you just hate me, because I deserve it, and you, you need to get over yourself. Get over it because, damn it Matt you just need too, I was never any good to you and I will never be. So I don't care if you don't ever see this letter because, hell, you are dead, and I don't know if there is a heaven or if you just disappear after death, but get over me, I am no good to you.

Matt you deserve to go to heaven if there is one, and if you are connected to me you will never be able to go to heaven, because I deserve hell, and you deserve better. It is as simple as that Mattie.

I love you -M

I folded the letter into an envelope and sealed it, before carefully placing it inside my desk drawer.

 _'If only Matt would really see it'_

I want him to see it, because I want him to know how much better he was than me, really he deserved number one, not me, not near, nor L. He deserved that place more than the rest of us, he was the only one of us who was truly sane, really he was worth more than L himself.

I let out sigh while rubbing me eyes, I was not surprised at the beginnings of tears that I wiped away with the gesture, and stood up from my desk chair with a sigh.

Wammy's House always told us we were worth no more than the dirt under L's shoes. Not in so many words, but it was clearly implied. We weere all effected by those talks, all besides Matt, because Matt didn't care. So when we where scrambling to be the best, he just sat back and relaxed, not a care in the world, that is what saved him. He did not care for the title of L, and that made him all the more worthy of it, in every sense of the word.

I stepped out of the room and shut the door behind me with an audible 'Click'.

"Goodbye Matt" I whispered "I hope you rest can in peace, I..I loved you more then you know".


End file.
